Wednesday, July 8, 2015

3rd Pregnancy at 30: What I Really Want to Say

I haven't written on this blog in years.  I'm embarrassed about some of my old posts, so I'll just stop looking at them.  I don't even remember how to change the layout of this thing; the baby in the header background is now 5 years old and preparing for Kindergarten.  My husband and I have another little girl now as well and are currently awaiting the arrival of our 3rd kiddo.  --  In-laws, if you read this, my feelings toward interacting with other homosapians do not apply to you.  I love you guys. :)


I'm taking to this blog to express what I really want to say about my current state of affairs.  I'm not one of those people to divulge negative feelings regarding my health, mental state, etc. via facebook.  I'll be the first to express my disgust toward spiders, asinine current events/policies/people in general, and current waves in education, but I try to keep my personal complaints to myself (or to this blog, apparently).

Especially about being pregnant.

When I feel the urge to complain about being pregnant, I think about how desperately I wanted a baby for years before our first daughter came along.  I think about how terrifying that pregnancy and delivery were.  I think about how blessed I felt to have our first daughter and how convinced I was that she would be my only chance at having a child.  I think about my many friends who have lost children, miscarried babies, haven't be able to (or can't) become pregnant, or have been anxiously and heart-breakingly awaiting positive news from adoption agencies.

And I guilt myself into being quiet... into acting as though everything is great when I have to make actual human contact (which I detest most days).

What I really want to say is this:

This pregnancy is hard.  Sometimes, it just flat out sucks.  I'm more than elated to have another baby, and I would experience all of this time and again if it would result in what I know will be the 4th major love of my life (husband, kiddo #1, kiddo #2, eventual kiddo #3), but it sucks.  If you run into me at the store, and I have no make-up on and look like I just crawled out of a grave, please do us both a favor and keep your head down while passing.  I don't want to be out in public anymore than you want to look at me.

What I really want to say is:  No.  I don't think I'll be functioning today.  I think I'll just plant myself on the couch and not be a human for a while. 

I'm 16 weeks in, and I've been nauseous and extraordinarily exhausted the entire time.  The ENTIRE time.  Some days, I literally can't even walk up the stairs.  My legs and arms don't want to move; I lie on the couch trying to will myself to get up; imagine myself moving; but nothing happens.  Some days, my body just shuts down, and I cannot keep my eyes open.  And I hate it.  I have 2 beautiful, energetic little girls who need their mommy to play with them, and 75% of the time, I just can't.

I'm nauseous and starving but rarely have an appetite.  I know.  Crazy.  I'm ginormous and getting bigger every single day, and is it insane that I feel as though I should at least be able to eat delicious food if I have to look like this?

Today is Day 3 of my husband being out of town for 3 weeks worth of trainings.  He is working so hard, and I genuinely appreciate all he does for our family.  He's awesome, and I don't envy him right now.  I can't do what he does.  The reality of it though:  the girls miss him terribly; the two year old is confused and doesn't understand; the 5 year old is angry; I'm wiped out and trying to hold it together; the house is a mess, but I have no energy to do anything about it; I've been trying to potty train my youngest (to no avail); my iron is low; my random cramps are debilitating and strike at the most inopportune times; I feel like death; and I woke up this morning with a rash from head to toe.  A freaking rash.  While it's most likely an allergic reaction to my antibiotic and will hopefully dissipate, I can't help but feel annoyed.  It's dumb.

Oh, and not being able to get anyone at the doctor's office to answer the phone for 2 hours this morning?  That was reassuring.  And "take some Benadryl; see if it helps; and let us know"?  Oh, OK.  I'll get right on that.  I'm sure it won't make me drowsy at all as I take care of the girls by myself since I already have so much energy.

I just want to feel better.  I want to be a good mom for my kids.

What I really want to say is:  Moms who feel great during pregnancy -- good for you.  I'm genuinely happy for you.  That's awesome.  I don't know what it's like, but congrats.  I'm pretty sure you're government-planted robots, but hey, kuddos to you.

I should conclude this with a cheesy, but-it's-all-worth-it-in-the-end type of statement.  I'm not mentally prepared for that.  It is worth it.  Totally worth it.  It's also completely fair to vent once in a while.