Somewhere around the 4th month, I began to think my postpartum anger and emotional outbursts were never going to leave. However, in the 6th month, I started to feel like myself again. Perhaps this is because we visited family across the country for the first time since before the baby was born. Perhaps it is because my hormones are finally leveling out. I don't know. I do know, however, that I am ready to jump into something again. I say "something" because I'm not sure what "something" is. I want to go back to work; I want to pursue my master's degree; I want to continue staying home with the baby; I want to challenge myself again.
The easiest place to start would be to go back to work. I am a high school English teacher and have a position available to me. I miss the students, and I miss feeling productive. I'm not saying being a stay-at-home mother isn't a worthwhile job. I have so much respect for SAHMs. It's difficult. I love the baby aspect of it all. I love the time I spend with my little one and the fact that I don't miss a single movement or sound. Being stuck in this house day in and day out is where I am struggling. If we lived closer to family and friends, it would be easier. We're stuck in the middle of nowhere, far away from our loved ones... far away from my sanity. Soo... I kind of want to get back into the grind of teaching, but I feel as though the cons outweigh the pros....
Let me sort this out....
- Seeing my students and teaching each day
- Accomplishing set goals
- Interacting with colleagues
- Having to dress professionally
- Running around like a mad woman
- Problem solving
- Being away from Emma
- Worrying about Emma ALL day
- Knowing that someone else will be responsible for catering to my daughter like only I know how
- NO BABYSITTER (counts 10 times because this will be impossible unless we find someone I completely trust)
- I can't fit into any of my old work clothes and can't really afford to buy new ones.
- Emma sleeps until 7 or 8am and goes to bed by 6:30pm. I would only have about 2-3 (awake) hours with her each day.
- Interacting with colleagues (falls into both categories)
- All of the work I would have to do outside of the school day
Conclusion: The majority of my "cons" could be lumped into the first point on the list. I would have to be away from Emma. Ugh.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If we could find a great babysitter, maybe this wouldn't be such a difficult decision.