I'm struggling with what to do and where to go from here. I absolutely love staying home with my daughter, and I know all of the benefits of being able to give that to her. The bottom line is... I have to go back to work in August. We're moving across the country, and our bills are ridiculous. Student loans are eating us alive. I have to go back to work in order for us to keep our heads above water. I just wish more than anything that I could continue to stay home even after we move.
Don't get me wrong, I love teaching. I honestly enjoy working with students and making an impact on their lives. I'm good at it, and until I gave birth, I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing. Instantly after my daughter was born, I knew I was supposed to be a mom. For the first time in my life, I absolutely LOVE every aspect of my current job. Caring for my daughter. I feel it in every fiber of my being. This is what I'm supposed to do. This is my purpose. It makes sense. I love teaching, but the part I love the most is being a mom to the kids who need me.
In the area where I have been teaching, many of my kids don't have both or either parents in their lives. Many kids endure inexplicably horrific situations at home. Many feel abandoned and don't receive the nurturing they need. This is the reason I love this place so much. I've always felt needed by my kids. I truly see my students as my own children. I would adopt them in a heartbeat if I could convince my husband. :-) Believe me, I've tried.
Now, however, I have this beautiful little girl who needs her mother. When I teach, I immerse myself into it. I can't do that and give my daughter all of me at the same time. I can't give 200% of myself to both positions, and she has to come first.
None of this really matters because it can't change anything. I have to go back to work. It's inevitable. I have submitted applications and am praying for interviews. I need a job. I shouldn't think about these things because there isn't anyway to get around the fact that I'm going to have to spend more time working during the day than with my daughter. It just breaks my heart.
This morning, I saw something that made me question what I'm doing. I never watch Oprah or her OWN channel, but for whatever reason, I caught it today. As I exercised on my elliptical, I watched Oprah's Master Class. She said things I have always told other people and have tried to live by, but it hit me differently today. I believe every single thing in life happens for a reason. I believe we are the only people in the world with any control over what we do in our lives. I believe we are thrown hurdles but have the ability and knowledge to make the best of situations and use the hurdles to persevere. I know all of this, but I keep hoping some magical creature will pop up, wave a wand, and fix all of the issues we're facing. Oprah, however, reminded me that "luck" like that doesn't exist. In the Master Class episode, she says something that really hits home for me. "Luck is when preparation meets the moment of opportunity." If I want something, I'm the only one who can reach out and grab it.
The whole Oprah thing got me wondering what else I can do to prepare myself for the moment of opportunity I will have if I create it for myself. I know I want to write a series of children's books; I know I want to write books about life, teaching, and being a new mom. I know I want to turn this blog into something bigger. I know I have the knowledge base to accomplish all of these things. I just don't know where to go from here, but I have to figure it out.
Oprah also talks about how we must discover our purpose in life. If we don't know our purpose, we're "just wandering around." My purpose used to be teaching, but now, it's being a stay-at-home mom. That may seem silly to everyone else, and people will tell me it's a "waste of [my] education", but it's what makes me happy and what leaves me feeling accomplished. As long as it is what I feel is my purpose, I know it's what I should be doing. I just have to figure out how to make it a possibility.