Thursday, November 11, 2010

Separation Anxiety: Mom and Baby

This week as been particularly crazy for some reason, and my "to do" list is suffocating me.  I was so frustrated today because I needed a break.  I still need a break.  I love my daughter, but I wish I had my mom and mother-in-law around to help sometimes.  I really need a day to get caught up and chill out.

When my husband finally got home today, he could tell I was annoyed and wanted his help.  He had had the day "off" which means, of course, that he planned enough crap to take up the entire morning and much of the afternoon.  Shortly after he walked in the door, he took over baby duty so I could go to the grocery store.  Oh, yay!  The grocery store!  It's a whole 2 minutes from my house!  What a treat!  I might have been gone a total of 20 minutes.  Yes, I needed to get out of the house and have a little time off from constant baby watch, but when I got back home, all I wanted to do was hold my daughter.

Later, I wanted to take advantage of my husband being home and have him watch Emma again so I could do the dishes.  She can flip her bouncer seat, rolls all over the place when on the floor, and isn't quite big enough to be in her jumperoo for more than a few minutes.  She needs constant attention.  I fixed a bottle and put him to work feeding her.  The longer I washed the dishes, the more upset I became about her falling asleep with him instead of me.  I put her to sleep every night.  It actually made me sad to be away from her even though she was only 10 feet from me.  Eventually, I conceded, left the dishes and asked if I could have her back.

My dilemma:

I'm exhausted.
I'm frustrated.
I need help.
I want to run away....
yet I can't be without my daughter.

She just turned 5 months old this week.  Is this going to get better?  I don't want to be an overbearing mom, and I don't want my kid to be one of those babies who is afraid of everyone but Mommy.  I keep saying we need to have someone babysit her for a few minutes a week so she'll be OK around other people, but I think it's me.  I think I'm the one who needs to try to stay away from her a few minutes every other day or so.  I don't know what I'll do when I have to go back to work.  We can't afford to live this way forever.

The developmental information out there for babies my daughter's age says she might start exhibiting separation anxiety soon.  I think I'm the one with the separation anxiety.

2 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie...I can relate to this(your feelings) on a different level, if that makes any sense. I had a very difficult time with bonding. I had horrible thoughts...mostly of me being free from burden (burden being my son and dear lawd it pains me to say that because I love him all to bits now and it makes me feel so filthy for thinking it in the first place)...running away etc. I had no connection with my son so leaving him with somebody was perfectly ok with me. However. HOWEVER, I would worry that they wouldn't care for him like I did. I would worry that my husband wasn't burping him every half ounce of formula. That my mother in law wasn't swaddling him properly. That my Dad wasn't paying him enough attention. Those worries? Killed me. It made it virtually impossible for me to leave my home. More so, I became terrified to leave my home. Then it came to a point where I never left my home. Thus spured my battle with agoraphobia.
    Know that it is so so SO SO SO crucial for you to leave your home. Do something for you. Make that a point. Even if you are walking briefly around your home, do it. Your baby? will be fine. Know and remember that your baby is with someone you trust and love. Take comfort in that.
    I know it is so hard. I know. But please, don't close yourself off from the world around you. Don't close yourself off from doing things that you enjoy doing. You need those moments away from the baby to nurture your soul.
    Sending you giant hugs.
    Kimberly
    http://makemommygosomethingsomething.com

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  2. Thanks, Kimberly. :) I love reading your comments, advice and blog. :) You have so much to share.

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