Felt So Guilty Today

My daughter and I have a strict morning schedule.  I hear her through the monitor at around 5:30 am.  She wiggles violently in her crib until I pick her up.  If I get her right away (before the eyes begin to open), I can hold her in bed and get another hour or two of sleep.  Judge me all you want, but an extra hour or two of sleep is well worth the tiny visitor in the bed.

She'll be 4 months old in 6 days, and up until this past week, I had not slept through the night since well before she was born.  Even then, sleep was a rarity.  However, last week, I gave in.  The monitor clearly works, we have a pretty set schedule, nothing is going to happen to her while she's sleeping... she's fine.  I can sleep.

Sleep is great by the way.  : )  I had missed it terribly.  Last night's sleep was the best yet.  My head hit the pillow, and I was out.

"Jen, I just checked on her, and she's wide awake."

"What?"

"Emma's awake.  Her eyes are open, and she's just chillin' in her crib."

My husband wakes me up, and I look at the clock as I try to process what he's saying.  It's 6:47???  How is this possible?  Then, I look at the monitor, and IT'S OFF!  What?  How is it off?  More importantly, how did I not hear her?  She had to have been crying.  I wasn't there to rescue her from the wiggling as she woke.  After all those nights of no sleep for worry of missing even a blip of a cry, I had missed an entire morning of grunts and whines.

The sad thing is, I was way more upset than the Emma was.  She was perfectly happy in that crib.  She smiled when she saw me, just like she always does when she wakes up.  She probably didn't even cry.  I felt like the worst mother in the world, and still swear to never sleep again, but she was fine.

Sometimes, I think I need her more than she needs me.  : )